Excuses for not writing: My Personal Trainer Diploma

So I’m the first to admit that the posts on here have been a little… lackluster of late. A bit few and far between. Perhaps a bit half-hearted. I promised myself that I’d be putting up three posts a week, and recently I’ve only been doing two, or even one. And there’s a reason for that.

Yeah, I know, we all have our excuses for not doing the things we say we will, but sue me.

I’m training to be a Personal Trainer.

Well, technically I’m training to be a Gym Instructor, but the course leads straight on into the Diploma for Personal Training, so it still counts. Now, you’re probably thinking ‘But hang on, there’s nothing on this blog about exercise.’ And yeah, you’re right. But that’s not because I haven’t had things to say about fitness, or exercise, or health. It’s because I’m not qualified to do so. Anyone can sit down at a keyboard and hammer out a blog about what people should do to be healthy. But most of the people who do that have no idea what they’re talking about, and don’t care even if they do.

Also, I have to conceed that being a Personal Trainer was never a part of The Plan. In as far as I have a plan. Basically, I was just going to keep writing until someone decided to pay me for it. The trouble with writing for free, though, is that people don’t pay you for it. And yes, I did have a very pleasant job working in the Box Office of my local theatre. It was fun, but time consuming. I also have a mother who is a Personal Trainer/ Pilates Instructor. I did some basic maths, and found that we were earning the same amount per week. The difference is that I was working thirty hours a week, and she was doing just five.

My logic is simple: if I can get work as a Personal Trainer, I can then write on the side. And if I go back to Cardiff to do my Masters, I can work in a gym on my days off from studying. And if I get an internship at a magazine in London, I can work in a gym on my days off from working for the magazine. And if I just want to sit in my room at home and write, I can work in a gym when I’m not locked in my room writing nice stories.

So yes, I’m studying to be a Personal Trainer. And I think it’s going well. The theory’s interesting. So are the practical sessions, although I have such a limited knowledge of actually being in a gym environment that they’re more than a little nerve-wracking. Also, the massive gym boys look like they could squash my skull between two hench fingers. Of course, a lot of them also look like they could be popped with a safety pin, or at the very least felled with a single well-placed kick to their underdeveloped, overloaded, inch-thick legs.

So, here are some of the things I’ve learned so far:

1. All the major bones and muscles in the human body. The cardiovascular system. Basically, it’s like GCSE biology class all over again. Only this time with less angst.

2. Resistance training. I’m finally getting over my fear of using the machines in a gym. After about five years of sticking to treadmills and cycling machines inside, pilates and yoga classes, and outdoor running, I actually know what to do with that weird dentists chair with the cushion that goes over the front of your ankles.

3. Yoghurt-covered almonds are the shit. No, really. I’ve never really gone in for protein shakes. Largely because they’re so damn expensive, partially because I don’t think I do enough exercise to merit taking in so much protein, but mostly because I don’t think they work. At least, I don’t think they work in the way people think they do. The human body can only take in so much of anything in any one go. Everything else is just wasted. A good example is those effervescent vitamin C tablets you dissolve in water. You drink the bright orange mixture, and half an hour later your pee is the same glow-in-the-dark colour. What do you think causes that, other than the 300% of your RDA of Vitamin C that your body simply can’t process that quickly? The same thing happens with protein powders.

But almonds, particularly the yogurt-covered ones, are amazing. They taste better, and they have more than enough protein for my needs. I fear, however, that I may become an holistic, semi-hippy instructor, dashing about the gym, flinging almonds (yogurt-coated or otherwise) at the muscle-men in the weights area.

4. I’m a bit of a sadist. I think I’m going to be the kind of instructor that people show up, see I’m on duty, and sag in defeat. Not a bad trainer, mind. Just the sort who isn’t going to take any shit and is going to make. you. burn. Because there is, as they say, no gain without pain. And because I can.

What will I do with my Diploma, assuming that I pass all my theory and practical exams? Well, I could get a job in a gym here in Brighton, or in London while I do internships, or in Cardiff while I do a masters. Or I could get a job in a cruise ship, and sail away to see the world. Or I could post endless fitness videos online, and make my fortune as a vlogger. Or maybe not. I have a lot of ideas of what I could do. But what I’ll actually do? Well, I’ll continue to write, even if it’s unpaid, even if it’s only a weekly, or bi-weekly, or even tri-weekly blog post. For the record, here are some of the other things I’ve said I might, possibly, do for money:

1. Prostitution. Mentioned in conversation with my fellow graduates, followed up by a laugh that becmoes a little more forced each time.

2. Bucking. Usually occurs while listening to others perform on the street (Hey, I could do that!), or in the five minutes before I pick up my ukulele. Usually abandoned three minutes into my self-taught ‘lessons’.

3. Being a Human Statue. I can stand still for long periods of time. I’m sure I could come up with a decent costume and a couple of interesting actions for when people give me change. But I tend to be allergic to most forms of face paint. And being a classic ectomorph (think of a rake with limbs) with low blood pressure and poor circulation means the cold messes me up like nothing.

4. Modelling. Well, my Mum thinks I’m good looking enough.

Well, TTFN.

The Colour Yellow: ‘Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys’ made me angry, difficult, and sad.

There is a commonly accepted piece of pop-culture psychology that parents shouldn’t deny young boys access to toy guns. Doing so is pointless because, given the opportunity, little boys will pick up sticks, cardboard tubes, or just thin air, and transform them into guns. They will use their imagination to get around rules imposed by parents and teachers, and all in order to access some inate, primal need to play with guns.

I never played with guns.

Ok, in fairness this was largely due to a preference for Swords and Sorcery than GI Joe. In my hands, sticks picked up from the ground were liable to transform into swords or, even better, magic wands and staffs. I’m not saying that my games were non-violent, although I was much more inclined to believe that I was fighting a dragon, a giant, or another kind of monster over an army soldier.

Noel Janis-Norton, however, identifies boys solely with the stereotype of the brash, violent animals that many are familiar with. The premise of her book, Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys, requires that we all see boys as having ‘certain predispositions, among them impulsivity, distractibility and the drive to be physically active.’ Apparently males are all cast in a single mold, from which there can never be any differentiation. Janis-Norton’s book seemingly ignores the crowds of quiet, introspective boys, those more interested in books than football. (I feel I should mention that, as the book has yet to be published, I have only had access to the text in the form of extracts released in other periodicals.) In searching for a means by which parents can create ‘happier’ sons, the books falls back into outdated cliches of masculinity such as the need for an ever-present father-figure, reducing the presence and authority of the mothers, and the importance of sport. In all, these assumptions are just a little bit Oedipal.

The book makes horrible, all-pervading assumptions about boys that simply aren’t true, and are borderline sexist. One of the most disturbing, for me, were the sections which called for the increased presence of a father, or father-figure. The idea that boys need a father-figure to teach them how to respect women is utter nonsense. While I accept that the male figures in my life (my father, teachers, even my older brothers) were all respectful of women, it is just as important that boys learn how to respect women from women. My relationship with my mother and sister, with female friends and classmates and teachers, these are what have informed my attitude towards women. That boys need men to teach them how to be men is, simply, archaic.

Janis-Norton blames the relatively underdeveloped male mind on, oh yes, the fact that boys supposedly have 30% more muscle fibre than girls, which in turn requires more mental energy to use (huh?), thus reducing the development of other, more nuanced parts of the brain relating to fine coordination and motor-control. Because yes, boys invariably run about, screaming in impotent rage and hitting things due to their inherent inability to play an instrument, hold a paintbrush, or write a letter.

In short, the entire book seems based on established male-female stereotypes and practices that are as damaging to the parents as they are to the children.

2015 Goals: January Review

January is coming to an end. The horrors of Christmas are but a dim and distant memory. Shops are already filling with chocolate for Valentine’s Day and Easter. The smarmy New Years Resolution runners in their box fresh shoes and pristine gear have, predictably, retreated back inside as the temperature has dropped.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a list of my goals for 2015. They weren’t New Year’s Resolutions, exactly. Partially I didn’t come up with them until the second week of January. Partially because they are, for the most part, concrete and realistic goals. Partially because I think calling something a New Year’s Resolution immediately dooms it to failure.

So, on to the review.

1. Toe Touching

Ok, so I haven’t spent that much time actually trying to touch my toes. I’ve been keeping it in mind. of course. I do a fiar amount of exercise anyway, and I’ve been trying to pay more attention to stretching before and after I work out. Any runner will tell you how important this is, Bbut I often let it slide because I’m so desperate to get out of my exercise gear and into the shower. I’ve also switched out my running, for the first time ever, for cycling. My Dad has recently taken up cycling for exercise, and has even gone as far as buying a secondhand exercise bike from a gym. I don’t do bikes. Never have. They freak me out. I visited China with a friend once, and when she decided that we would be cycling round the walls of Tian, we had to do it on a tandem. With me on the back. Score one for feminism, I guess. But cycling works a lot of the same muscles as running, and is great cardio. Cycling also has the advantage of being low-impact, which means I’m less likely to bugger my knees. Again. And with the bike stapled to the ground, I don’t have to worry about my poor balance.

I’ve also been doing Pilates a lot more. My Mum is a Pilates instructor, which means I have access to a load of training DVDs and free advice. This basically means that I’ve reached the stage where I can touch my toes, but my legs are a little less straight than I’d like them to be. So from now on I’ll be focusing on straightening my legs from that position. So that’s all good progress, I think.

2. Learn the Ukulele

I’ll be honest. In the last four weeks I’ve only spent about four hours with my beautiful ukulele. It’s a shame really. It’s a beautiful instrument. It deserves to be played. But it deserves to be played by someone who knows what they’re doing. Which I do not. I also think I’m a bit embarrassed for my family to hear my wrecking an instrument.

But. BUT. There is progress. In four hours I’ve learnt three different strumming patterns and four chords; F major, C major, G7 major and E7 major. It might still sound like someone dragging a freshly neutered cat across the front of a radiator. But, this is, also, progress. And, considering the state of most pop songs, it’s serious progress. I think I now know more chords than Justin Bieber.

3. Read the Koran

Yep, here’s where the real progress is. Again, I’ve only just made a start,but it is, indeed, a start. There have been measurable results. The project has produced three, count ’em, three blog posts. So yeah, I’m reading the Koran. I’m about a tenth of the way through. I’m learning things. Like Muslims don’t, in fact, hate Jews or Christians. Or at least, there’s no basis for their hatred in their holy book. Also, Jihad isn’t necessarily about physical violence. And that most of the assumptions people make about Islam are, predictably, unfounded. But that there are things that don’t gel, that either don’t make sense within the text as a whole, or just don’t fit in today’s society. In other words, it’s just like any other religious book. Who knew?

4. Write, write, and write

Admittedly, this has been more like write, edit, and edit. Most of the writing I’ve been doing has been nonfiction on here, with very little fiction or ‘proper’ creative writing. I’ve also decided to resurrect the first novel I ever wrote, The King of Dreams, and try getting it published again. To that end, I’ve been using the (quite frankly ridiculous) spare hours at work when I’m not answering phones going through and editing it. I’m kind of surprised at how bad some of it is. Although it has its moments, and the plot is, even if I say so myself, pretty good and original, there are parts that are shocking. Cliched, hackneyed, bollocks. But, as Hemingway once said, ‘The first draft of anything is shit.’ Or something like that. So I’ve been going through it and rewriting major sections. And now it’s just about ready to face the world again. Soon it’ll be off to literary agents and so on. Huzzah.

5. Competition Time

Again, I’ve been putting some work into competitions, entering random little things. Nothing really to report here.

And that’s that. I think I’ll give myself a solid ‘B.’ Hmm. Maybe ‘C+’. I’m putting in the effort, right? And I’m still doing better than the idiots who announce on December 31st that they’re going to run a Marathon with no training. Or that they’ll go tee total for the year.

2015 Goals

Goals for 2015

Like many of you, I started this year with a mind to goals or self-improvement. The truth, though, is that we all treat New Year’s Resolution with a touch of distrust. Even as you read this article, countless people will be giving up, reaching for the wine bottle or the biscuit tin, chosing the sofa over the gym, and so on. In particular, I’ve always found it entertaining watching the New Year runners, in their box-fresh trainers and brand new exercise kit (‘All the Gear, No Idea,’ as my Mum says) vanish from the streets as January rolls into February, and good intentions and novelty give way to sloth and boredom.

The trouble, I think, is that people are too vague with their resolutions. ‘This year I’ll do more exercise!’ they say, their voices slurred with wine. ‘This year I’ll eat better!’ But how do you measure that? Does walking into town rather than getting the bus qualify as more exercise, or do you need to go to the gym three times a week? By eating better, do you mean consuming more vegetables and less sugar, or that you want to start buying exclusively organic products? On top of that, people tend to set themselves impossibly high goals. ‘This year I’ll run a marathon!’ They say, unaware of just how much effort and training that requires.

So, I’ve put together my own list of New Year Goals. Not resolutions, but concrete, definitive, goals. They’re all things that I’ve spent a lot of time considering and thinking about. There’s nothing spur-of-the-moment about the list. There’s also nothing, I hope, that is too ambitious or unrealistic. And to make sure I follow through with the goals, I’m putting them up here, for the whole world to see. And I’ll be posting regular updates (thus fulfilling one of the goals in the process) in order to track my progress.

1. Toe Touches. I consider myself to be in reasonably good shape. I can run under a ten-minute mile any day of the week. I weigh (on a good day) a little over 10 stone. I regularly exercise, including running and pilates. And yet, I can’t touch my toes. It’s partially due to famously tight hamstrings and recurring knee injuries. I find it impossible to straighten my legs without bending my back. Sitting on the ground with my legs stretched out in front of me for any amount of time is absolute agony. So, my 2015 fitness goal is to be able to touch my toes. The trouble is, I have no idea of how to do it other than just stretching my legs out more than normal and carrying on with Pilates. Anyone with any tips for flexibility, please hit me up below.

2. Learn the Ukulele. I grew up surrounded by music. I went to exclusively Church of England schools, where hymns were a regular part of morning assemblies. As a chorister at Chichester Cathedral, I sang an average of eight religious services a week, which, together with regular rehearsals, worked out as over twenty hours of singing. In addition, I learned to play piano (which I was very, very bad at) and saxophone (which I was less terrible at). And yet that musical element in my life, at one point the focal point of my daily activities, has completely fizzled out since I’ve left school. I did carry on singing in a choir at University, but since graduation I’ve done hardly anything.

And I miss it. I really do. I still listen to a lot of music, but I don’t produce it anymore. My voice has, for obvious reasons, changed significantly since leaving the choir at the age of thirteen. I don’t really want to go back to singing in a choir, and nor do I feel the need to perform in front of large crowds. I don’t want to be a rockstar. I don’t want to be a professional musician. I just want to bring music back into my life in a more active, real, way.

I bought my ukulele two years ago, just after my 22^nd birthday. It was an impulse buy, the instrument was on sale, and I was looking for something new and creative to do with my spare time. Since then, I’ve just about managed two chords, and not a lot else. My excuse, of course, is that I was busy with my final year of University. I didn’t have time to learn a new instrument. And so the ukulele (a really beautiful instrument which was on sale, and deserves a much more loving owner than me) has simply gathered dust. So my musical goal is to learn to play the Ukulele properly. I’m not entirely sure how to quantify this learning. Perhaps I should set the goal of learning to play a new song every week? Or to be good enough to busk in public by the time I’m back at University in September? Or to be able to play a ten-minute set by the end of the year? What do you think?

3. Read the Koran. Ok, this is the one that’s raised the most eyebrows so far. Why would I, a white, middle-class, British man, want to read the Koran? Well, Why wouldn’t I? Every time there’s a terrorist attack, or anything happens in the Middle East, people immediately start referencing the Koran. Islamists hold it up and say ‘What we’re doing is right, it says so in the Koran.’ The other 1 billion-odd Muslims respond with; ‘No, no, it’s not. Your interpretation is wrong.’ Then there are the outside commentators, often Christian Fundamentalists, who use the Koran as anti-Muslim propaganda; ‘This is what these people believe, therefore we should get rid of all of them.’ Ultimately, I just find it confusing. I don’t want people to tell me what the Koran says; I want to find out for myself. How can we enter into a debate centred around a religion if we don’t properly understand that religion? So I’m going to read the Koran, dispassionately, objectively, and find out what it really says, and what I really think about it.

4. Write, write, and write. This one’s been on my list for the last few years running. Every year, I vow to write more, often setting myself a goal in terms of word count per day or number of pieces written. This year, I’m going to try and stick with what has worked in the past; I want to keep on posting at least two pieces on this blog (either fiction or non-fiction). Considering that I’m planning on documenting my progress with this list, I should have something to say every week. I’m also going to try and write a minimum of 750 words every day on some sort of creative project, whether that by a short story, part of a longer piece, or planning a future project. And, as an added little bit, I’m aiming to get something published and for sale by the end of the year.

5. Competition Time. This ties into the last goal. I’m going to try and enter one creative writing competition each month. I know I may not win (and past experience would say that I won’t), but at the very least this will give me a portfolio of twelve new stories or poems which I can use in future. Not only will I enter the competition, but I’ll post a link to its webpage on here. This should serve two purposes. First, it will hold me accountable to myself and to you, as it would be too easy to say ‘Oh yeah, I entered a couple of competitions this year’ without actually doing so. Secondly, and more importantly, sharing is caring. I might not win the contest, but someone who reads my blog might enter and win, or at least get some good writing out of it.

So there we have it. Five goals for 2015; one physical, one musical, one intellectual, and two writing. I’m really hoping that being specific about the goals, and relating them to different aspects of life rather than all in one area, will make it easier for me to achieve them.

What about you? What are your goals for the coming year? Do you have any advice (about writing, competition entry, ukulele-playing, toe-touching, Koran-reading, or anything else) for me as I embark on this journey?

Hero or Zero?: The Value of Comic Book-Inspired Workouts

We are living in the age of the comic book. Graphic novels and comic books have never been popular, with their own sections in libraries and bookshops. Footfall might be low in the old-school dank and dirty comic book shops, but the online community has never been stronger. Superhero movies are now the go-to for Summer blockbusters, earning Disney (the parent company for Marvel) plenty of dosh in ticket sales alone, never mind selling merchandise in everything running from lunchboxes and t-shirts to exclusive figurines and replica props. Over the next few years, we’re set for a massive explosion of films from both Marvel and DC.

For many men, the figures appearing in comic book films are a point of aspiration. Comic books have always allowed us to live out our power fantasies, particularly their traditional audience of young males who are more likely to be found in a science lab or library than on the football pitch. Almost every bloke watching a superhero wants to be the hero. They want the power and the theatrics. They want the chance to save the world and get the girl (or guy) of their dreams.

As a result, there is a growing trend in superhero workouts. Typing ‘superhero workout’ into google this morning returned over four million results. Almost every men’s lifestyle magazine and website has featured a superhero-themed workout plan in the last couple of years. There are plenty of websites out there promising to introduce users to the same workout and diet plans used by the likes of Christian Bale as Batman or Andrew Garfield as Spiderman. The validity, and effectiveness, of these workouts is, of course, questionable.

One of the most appealing aspects of a superhero workout is, of course, the fact that you can pretend to be your favourite hero while you do it. Everyone else might see John Doe, working out in a grotty gym in Cardiff, but secretly you know that you’re Green Arrow, training for your continuing crusade against villainy. For my money, the best website is neilarey.com. Variety is, as they say, the spice of life, and these guys have put together a whole range of workouts based on everyone from the Hulk to the Flash. Most importantly, though, is that most of the workouts are both sensible and realistic. They don’t assume an unrealistic level of fitness before you start, or that you have access to any kind of gym equipment. You can do the workouts in your home, in the gym, in the park, in the office. Although I have no idea why anyone would feel the need to exercise in their office. Time and place, people.

Neilarey’s Batman Workout

The trouble is that, much like the models that grace the pages of Elle or Vogue, these figures present an unachievable image of physical perfection. Comic book characters don’t have to worry about what they eat, or how many miles they need to run before breakfast. Artists are limited only by their imaginations and their talent, allowing them to produce images of men with impossibly idealistic bodies. The same is true even for the live-action films based on the books. Actors, particularly in big budget films, are among the tiny number of people with the time and means required to achieve the look we see in comic books. And even they have more than a little help. After all, if a graphics wiz can conjure an alien skull the size of a city or an eight-foot tall killer robot, then deepening the shadows on an actor’s six-pack is hardly going to be a challenge, is it?

People try these workouts thinking that they’ll look like Hugh Jackman. The trouble is, everybody’s different. And I do mean every body’s different. People seem to accept that Jackman has more body hair than them, or that Reynold’s is taller than they are. But they seem to struggle getting their head round the fact that, even with the same level of care and attention, no two torsos or arms will be exactly the same. Muscles will be slightly different shapes or positions. Some people will, physically, physiologically, only be able to get so much size or definition into various muscle groups before they reach their limit. Celebrities have the advantage of one-to-one personal training, with exercise and workout plans tailored specifically to them. No all-for-one style online workout coupld ever hope to achieve those kinds of results.

Most men, if you asked, would love to have a superhero body. They’d love it even more if they had the skills, money, and powers associated with them. But you can’t do a load of squats and crunches before going on set in real life. And there’s no fourth-dimensional artist who’s going to give us six-packs (Grant Morrison might disagree, but that’s another matter). Having the body of a superhero may be an unattainable aspiration. But some of the best dreams are those that we know might not, or will not come true. Just because something is unachievable doesn’t mean it’s not worth pursuing. Exercising with the goal of achieving a superhero body, while knowing that it’s not possible, means that you can achieve results, and have fun, without risking injury or the inevitable disappointment when you don’t end up looking like Captain America or Green Lantern.