So I’m the first to admit that the posts on here have been a little… lackluster of late. A bit few and far between. Perhaps a bit half-hearted. I promised myself that I’d be putting up three posts a week, and recently I’ve only been doing two, or even one. And there’s a reason for that.
Yeah, I know, we all have our excuses for not doing the things we say we will, but sue me.
I’m training to be a Personal Trainer.
Well, technically I’m training to be a Gym Instructor, but the course leads straight on into the Diploma for Personal Training, so it still counts. Now, you’re probably thinking ‘But hang on, there’s nothing on this blog about exercise.’ And yeah, you’re right. But that’s not because I haven’t had things to say about fitness, or exercise, or health. It’s because I’m not qualified to do so. Anyone can sit down at a keyboard and hammer out a blog about what people should do to be healthy. But most of the people who do that have no idea what they’re talking about, and don’t care even if they do.
Also, I have to conceed that being a Personal Trainer was never a part of The Plan. In as far as I have a plan. Basically, I was just going to keep writing until someone decided to pay me for it. The trouble with writing for free, though, is that people don’t pay you for it. And yes, I did have a very pleasant job working in the Box Office of my local theatre. It was fun, but time consuming. I also have a mother who is a Personal Trainer/ Pilates Instructor. I did some basic maths, and found that we were earning the same amount per week. The difference is that I was working thirty hours a week, and she was doing just five.
My logic is simple: if I can get work as a Personal Trainer, I can then write on the side. And if I go back to Cardiff to do my Masters, I can work in a gym on my days off from studying. And if I get an internship at a magazine in London, I can work in a gym on my days off from working for the magazine. And if I just want to sit in my room at home and write, I can work in a gym when I’m not locked in my room writing nice stories.
So yes, I’m studying to be a Personal Trainer. And I think it’s going well. The theory’s interesting. So are the practical sessions, although I have such a limited knowledge of actually being in a gym environment that they’re more than a little nerve-wracking. Also, the massive gym boys look like they could squash my skull between two hench fingers. Of course, a lot of them also look like they could be popped with a safety pin, or at the very least felled with a single well-placed kick to their underdeveloped, overloaded, inch-thick legs.
So, here are some of the things I’ve learned so far:
1. All the major bones and muscles in the human body. The cardiovascular system. Basically, it’s like GCSE biology class all over again. Only this time with less angst.
2. Resistance training. I’m finally getting over my fear of using the machines in a gym. After about five years of sticking to treadmills and cycling machines inside, pilates and yoga classes, and outdoor running, I actually know what to do with that weird dentists chair with the cushion that goes over the front of your ankles.
3. Yoghurt-covered almonds are the shit. No, really. I’ve never really gone in for protein shakes. Largely because they’re so damn expensive, partially because I don’t think I do enough exercise to merit taking in so much protein, but mostly because I don’t think they work. At least, I don’t think they work in the way people think they do. The human body can only take in so much of anything in any one go. Everything else is just wasted. A good example is those effervescent vitamin C tablets you dissolve in water. You drink the bright orange mixture, and half an hour later your pee is the same glow-in-the-dark colour. What do you think causes that, other than the 300% of your RDA of Vitamin C that your body simply can’t process that quickly? The same thing happens with protein powders.
But almonds, particularly the yogurt-covered ones, are amazing. They taste better, and they have more than enough protein for my needs. I fear, however, that I may become an holistic, semi-hippy instructor, dashing about the gym, flinging almonds (yogurt-coated or otherwise) at the muscle-men in the weights area.
4. I’m a bit of a sadist. I think I’m going to be the kind of instructor that people show up, see I’m on duty, and sag in defeat. Not a bad trainer, mind. Just the sort who isn’t going to take any shit and is going to make. you. burn. Because there is, as they say, no gain without pain. And because I can.
What will I do with my Diploma, assuming that I pass all my theory and practical exams? Well, I could get a job in a gym here in Brighton, or in London while I do internships, or in Cardiff while I do a masters. Or I could get a job in a cruise ship, and sail away to see the world. Or I could post endless fitness videos online, and make my fortune as a vlogger. Or maybe not. I have a lot of ideas of what I could do. But what I’ll actually do? Well, I’ll continue to write, even if it’s unpaid, even if it’s only a weekly, or bi-weekly, or even tri-weekly blog post. For the record, here are some of the other things I’ve said I might, possibly, do for money:
1. Prostitution. Mentioned in conversation with my fellow graduates, followed up by a laugh that becmoes a little more forced each time.
2. Bucking. Usually occurs while listening to others perform on the street (Hey, I could do that!), or in the five minutes before I pick up my ukulele. Usually abandoned three minutes into my self-taught ‘lessons’.
3. Being a Human Statue. I can stand still for long periods of time. I’m sure I could come up with a decent costume and a couple of interesting actions for when people give me change. But I tend to be allergic to most forms of face paint. And being a classic ectomorph (think of a rake with limbs) with low blood pressure and poor circulation means the cold messes me up like nothing.
4. Modelling. Well, my Mum thinks I’m good looking enough.
Well, TTFN.