Disney’s The Descendants: What A Load of Bibbity Bobbity Bull

Descendants, Disney’s latest burgeoning cash cow, tells the tale of 4 children of evil, who get a chance to leave their dismal island, and go to school with the children of every Prince Charming and Fairytale Princess. The evil kids are on a mission from Maleficent (Kristin Chenoweth) to steal the Fairy Godmother’s magic wand, and free the evil parents. But along the way, they are affected by all the kindness shown to them by the good children, primarily Ben. Oh yeah, Ben is the son of Belle and the Beast, who, at 16, is about to become King. Because who better to rule a magical kingdom than the 16 year-old quarterback of the local high school?

Admittedly, having just released a film in which Angelina Jolie starred as Maleficent, recasting Kristin Chenoweth (the original Galinda in the musical Wicked) was a bit hard to swallow. However, Chenoweth’s Evil Fairy was easily the most entertaining thing in the whole film. A Disney villain should be scene-stealing, melodramatic, and get at least half of the best lines. Chenoweth manages all three, and gets one of the film’s best musical numbers to boot.

“Hold on, Darling, I’ve got to go and practice my vocal trills”

The choice of villains (and, by extension, their children) seems a little odd. Leaving aside the fact that three of the adult villains died in their original films (Come on, Disney, at least be consistent within your own larger universe), there’s also a distinct mismatch in their overall villainy levels. Maleficent tried to kill a princess, put a whole kingdom to sleep for 100 years just because she wasn’t invited to a party. Jafar attempted to enslave a kingdom. Evil Queen offed a king and queen and tried to kill their daughter and took over their kingdom. And Cruella tried to kill some dogs. I mean, come on people. One of these things is not like the others. I’m not saying that animal cruelty isn’t wrong, but we kill countless animals every year for food, clothing, protection, sport, and so on.

Spot the odd one out. And no, it’s not the only man in the group.

In fact, here’s a list of Disney villains that rank higher than Cruella in the Disney Villain Hall of Fame; Ursula (tried to conquer the whole friggin Ocean), Hades (god of the Underworld), Horned King (from The Black Cauldron, remember that?), and Yzma (but we couldn’t have a second purple madwoman running about, could we?). Also in the running would be Mim, Sha Yu, the Queen of Hearts, and Captain Hook.

And it’s not even as if Cruella’s son Carlos actually plays a large role in the plot of the film. Jay, Mal, and Evie all play a role in locating and attempting to steal the Fairy Godmother’s wand. They all have significant developments and plotlines. Carlos’ whole storyline involves him finally realising that dogs aren’t all monstrous, blood-thirsty pack animals. Because there aren’t any dogs on the Island of the Lost, inexplicably.

Other than Cruella, the character pairing I had the biggest issue with were Jafar and Jay. So Jafar was the royal vizier, a scheming, semi-aristocratic intellectual. His enemy was Aladdin, a streetwise thief. So why would Jafar’s son turn into… a streetwise thief? The fact that the middle-eastern characters also apparently run a junk shop fencing stolen goods also feels a little off. None of the other villains have jobs. Why does Jafar? Surely he would be more of a criminal mastermind, moving things behind the scenes, rather than working up front. There’s also the fact that Booboo Stewart (yes, that’s his real name) is entirely the wrong sort of Indian for the part. Just sayin’.

In fact, the way the film handles race is all kinds of messed up. In the interest of being inclusive we have a smattering of ethnic characters, including, inexplicably, a black Cruella De Ville (she’s also lost her British accent) and. There’s also a random girl in a wheelchair whose only purpose in the film is to prove that while happily ever after is for everyone, having a speaking role isn’t. And still no openly gay character, even if Carlos fits just about every gay stereotype running.

But there’s a weird kind of whitewashed normalizing going on. An early scene has Mal, the daughter of Malifecent, using her magic to give the unpopular girls makeovers. Because apparently hairdressers don’t exist in a world with magic. Speaking of magic, why is it that everyone other than Mal seems to need some form of equipment (magic wand, sceptre, mirror) to do magic, while Mal only requires a rhyming couplet. So what, they don’t teach poetry at a school for fairy tale royalty? Of course, Jane (Fairy Godmother’s daughter) isn’t satisfied with er new hair, and immediately demands a magical nose job. Because her own nose is utterly hideous.

I mean, look at it. LOOK AT IT!

Lany, the daughter of epic Chinese cultural hero Mulan, And the only Asian character is, of course, desperate for hair that is blonder, curlier… whiter. seriously, at this point I wanted to shake all of the girls in the cast.

There’s also the transformation that occurs in the character’s outfits. The costumes, I should say, are mostly fantastic, and brilliantly realised. The Evil kids start out exclusively in muted tones and jewel colours. There’s also a whole lot of secondary colours, painted leather, and fur. The Good kids, of course, where nothing but primary colours, pastels, and pink (girls only). As the plot progresses, and the Evil characters become acclimatised to their new environment, their clothing becomes progressively less punk and more preppy.

Always make sure you change everything about yourself to fit in at your new school, kids.

There’s nothing really wrong with this, of course. I shows a progression in the characters as they realise they don’t have to be evil just because their parents are. Except for Mal, of course. At the start, she’s all acid green and purple and painted leather. By the end, she’s your classic fairytale princess in a pastel pink-purple gown. It’s like dating Prince Ben (and what kind of name is Ben for a prince anyway?) has robbed her of any identity she had starting out, and there’s only room in her head for goodness and love and rainbows. Is this the cumulative effect of the twinned powers of love and magic? I accept the progression of the character from evil to good, but did it have to come at the cost of independence?

Remember, girls, you don’t need to walk or breathe as long as you get your prince.

Of course, it’s not a proper Disney film without a smattering of musical numbers. Right? Rotten to the Core, which introduced the Evil kids, was suitably entertaining, and possibly the first time I’ve experienced electro music a la Disney. Evil Like Me, performed by Mal and Malificent was, as already stated, the best number in the film. From this point on, things went pretty downhill, though. Did I Mention was easily the most painful musical number since the High School Musical franchise grated its way down our ear canals. It was just. So. Cringey.

Then we had Mal’s heart-baring If Only, in which we had the obligatory scene of the bad girl questioning her emotions and motivations. Unfortunately, the whole thing felt more than a little forced. The remix of Be Our Guest was equally uncomfortable, mostly because preppy white kids should never, ever rap. Ever. Finally, there was Set It Off, the big closer that saw all problems resolved and everyone living Happily Ever After. Except that the promising secondary couple of Evie and Dougie (Dopey’s full-sized son, don’t you know) wasn’t resolved. Although for that matter, the main couple of Mal and Prince Ben (again, seriously? Prince Ben?) never did anything as unwholesome of narratively satisfying as actually sharing a kiss. Oh, and everyone seems to have forgotten the remaining villainous adults, the whole in their prison wall, or the fact that the Fairy Godmother’s increasingly wayward daughter seems to have got off without any punishment. Apparently having a slightly large nose in a kingdom of beautiful people is punishment enough.

Of course, Disney loves a cash cow, and has already released a trailer for an animated spin-off series. And Mal made it clear at the close that things weren’t quite over yet, so there will probably be at least one more film in the series. We can only hope that this will include the children of other characters, because Mal and Ben are already feeling played out.

And am I the only one who thinks that a series set on the Island of the Lost would be just a little bit more entertaining?